everyday since this holiday is like a torture..i am with you almost everyday..close but distant. after the party you went home with me. you said you wanted to stay over. i wanna say no but thats too rude to say. we came home just you and me and it was so awkward.. we barely talk normally..its like we were just got acquainted.. where has the years we spent as friends gone?

today I woke up got ready for work. i passed by your room and it was empty.i thought you left without any word. the I saw you sitting there all set to leave..i feel you soo far.. i feel you trying to walk away from me telling me to let go. i asked if you want to have breakfast (as i prepare mine) and you said in an instant that no you are leaving and having breakfast with her. you left at 8:30 am...soo early to avoid me...i escorted you to the door as we said our goodbyes..our eyes never met.you never looked me in the eyes..it was soo awkward.why are you here everyday?.are you purposely hurting me..making me feel your heart belongs to someone else?can you even feel how hurt i am...i wish i can read your mind..i wish i know your heart because i wish you know mine...

walk away..and i am still here..make me feel your heart is for someone..and i am still here..

everyday i see you is like a bittersweet torture...that you are here..and something keeps on growing..pain,hurt and love.

..i hope that one day i learn to accept and say goodbye...i miss the you..the memories , the old days .that for ones i felt or probably just thought that you cared.

i regret the things that ive done i regret the things that i felt...if only i didnt let my emotions overwhelm me...i should still be ok...we should still be the same place where we used to be.. today i was with him at the xmas celeb of my IPG friends...we were there to hang out...i miss the old times..when he talks to me its different..theres something new that when we look at each other there is a stain in our relationship... he is the first person to stay over at my place...felt so awkward...i wish i could ask him how he is..how he is feeling..what have happened to our friendship..to talk about things...done wrong...thought about wrong..i dunno if we could still bring back the old yesterday..our old us.. i miss him sooo much..that i admit..i always think...i wish i was her...i was her again...that at some point you will look at me and make me feel that you love me too.. you are just on the other side of the room...you cant hear me cry..u cant see my tears ..the last time tis same situation was january..now the year is ending...and i still cry...i still cry for you....i am still hurt...wishing i was the one you pursue..dreaming i was the one for you.. i am crying right now and i think of the future..that in that future i know you are holding somebody elses arm....i always say i want to let go....but my heart just cant cause its just too painful that i am never loved by you... i still long for that time that one day youll look at me the way you look at her..that you love me more than her...apparently this is not a reality and will never be... i cry in silence...coz i hate that i force myself to hate you...and make me miss you more

Our eyes met.for seconds we looked at each other.. What were you thinking.what wasi thinking.did i smiled at you .y did you look at me. Its rather less painless now.when i see you ,think of you.. Together there 's bitterness.were. Ot friends anymore and i just miss the old Us sooo bad.the you thati knew is gone.i lost him.taught myself to.hes burried now in my heart. Sometimes i think if you are happy with her..that the thought of togetherness,forever and everafter is the two of you together.i have 1 questionthat is left unanswered or forever be unanswered..did you ever thought of me romantically..did you ever felt something for me.you pushed me away..now im pushing you further more..in spite all of this i can't help to tell my heart tomoss you...

i was at a kAD formal yesterday..and let me tell you honestly...I got bored. for some people..they prolly were not.Long drive was FUN tho.I was quite sad when i went back home. :(

1st thing: my goal was to make friendSSS....(additional FB friends..YAYY!!)but not even one. i was seated with friends i always see!!not that i dont want it but it defeats the purpose of getting to know other brethren from other locales!and i was seating on the far most corner...i didnt even see many acquantances from before. i miss last Dist formal when I got mixed with other locales and from then those people i seated with became my hi-hello friends at least everytime i see them.

I blame no one.I guess its just me who's not sociable and not pretty enough that people will wanna hang-out with or maybe i am intimidating and BORING??!!wahhh!!!i am having bouts of inferiority complex again.LOL

i read a blog earlier when i randomly searched for KAD formal... pros and cons.."Is there someway we can think of where we can get together in a more relaxed environment rather than dress to impress another, unintentionally masking our identities? "..i hope there is..or maybe thats how i or most people has behaved.. I was too concious about what i looked like..o well loved my dress but u know conscious.."

the game: there was a game called speedpals!!geez the ratio of men vs women was it 1:10???i didnt even get to remember the name of guys i shook hand with..other than justin(?) i think who was making a line: i think i know you..hahah..i wish i made a line like.." my name is 416-613-905-519-514.."hahaha

pictures...darn i hate those pimples!!!!i had bad shots where i look my worst angle...some i really like but i dont want to make obvious post coz it doesnt justify reality..darn i look gorgeous there(i wanna be honest with what i feel for once,nothing boastful tho)..hahahahha!

I remember ric last formal i was seated next to him..that was where we first met. now hes across the other table with his GF and i said to my friend "that was me in that seat a year ago..hahahhaha-as a seatmate tho.bwahaha. he's still cute btw *_*.and im glad we were  friends and he still makes pansin of me.. :(

and oh that new guy i am stalking..geez hes acting like he never knew me!!!not even a hint of hi!grin! a lil smile for me or a sign that hey-you-look-familiar-we've met but i dont know your name..he couldn't care less..AT LEAST like my status for once man!...hahahha.anyway..whateve's ur too high profile and too someone..too somebody everybody(girl likes)..or maybe hes more like rics a genrically nice guy..o well nice seeing you though kahit di mo ako nakikita! yes mr SEED,AusRALIA my grey contacts has telescopic abily to locate and see you from the farthest corner!!!LOL joke lng

I wish there will be another occassion pretty soooon that i will look forward to that i will meet someone (i must admit...someone special) or an event that will have lasting (+)impression of new friendships from other locales..other than that i didn't regret travelling long distance attending this events..its a blessing!

till next time!:D

Dear You,

In time...Maybe i would, maybe i won't,maybe these shall all be just a passing cloud. I wanted to tell you..that I love you or maybe loved all these years but you keep hurting me. youre so close but i can't feel you love me back..just once.for real. tomorrow or maybe in the next few days you'll tell to the whole world that your heart is owned by someone else again.. and I don't know how im gonna handle that. my heart silently cries each time. please be over now.

I want to let you know that i am behaving differently towards you and her because clearly im hurt or maybe bitter. i've kept this feelings all this years and i never wanted you to know.i never wanted to tell you.coz i don't want to be like the other girls whom have confessed or was verbal abt their feelings for you. Please don't think you're goodlooking coz clearly your not...yeah you even told me that! when i tell you these i hope you'll say something hurtful.something that make me realize that you I dont deserve you at all..that you are not the one i thought you were..that youre not the man i once (or maybe often) dream of spending my life with in my definition of forever. i hope you'll tell me that you never loved nor liked me..not even once..please do something or something hurtful that i want to slap your face and make me realize of the emotions,tears,love, time i wasted in hopes that you were the one. tomorrow i might see you with her holding hands..tomorrow you might come to my place this time not by yourself but with her..publicly displaying your afection for each other.. ...

 

by then i hope the dark clouds has passed and it has poured its heavy rains with all its power,with all its anger.. and i again and again..i will repeatedly tell myself...i hope its over..please be over now.

this maybe her last tears for him.. She prayed hard last night and her prayers were answered. her heart was furthermore broken..she cried like the rain is also pouring outside..the sun will never come out today.. coz its feels the same emotion that she has.. She made him breakfast.. they ate just the two of them.that she wished this is what she will wake up with each mornings... later the truth was revealed..her fear of the truth is finaly out.. He has been seeing another girl...He has been dating G. the ILY words she accidentally saw on his phone was real all along... G was his special someone..as he tells her all these words...it felt so heavy.she wanted to cry but...she shouldn't. when he was not looking...she was looking at her intently and telling him he loved him all along..that this one-way love has to come to an end...everytime there is chances that he has to leave the table...she silently cry as he patiently waits that he just leave him now... the breakfast was soo long..a breakfast she will never forget... as He prepared to leave she was aching..she was singing "i love you goodbye" finally with the guy whom he things will sing it for her..not for real,,..but the words will be for her... as she shut the door...she cried hoping this will be the last time...

Same old story,same old story.i can feel my eyes feels so warm.do you know that i am hurt. Do you even feel that i love you?and i always end up getting hurt. Today the word was he told his friends that his previois love was gone.friends tease them though that they are like faith.that they shoukd be together.a lil bit of hope and love has sprung once again.. But at later reality bites again.. His heart is meant for someone.. He doesn't admit but he said in summer he will introduce someone.they laugh.. They were happy as friends..she laughed too. But when she looks into his eyes its different .. She doesnt know what it was.. Or what the feeligs were.. But she was certain he never loved her at all.. They will end up as friends. Today she saw them very close.. The other girl was on the passenger seat.. Picked her up, dropped her off. Sat beside her during the bowling match.. All these was what she asked for.. What she wished for she will feel numb.. Feel nothing soon.it still hurts her but this time she can contain her tears but for sure it will make her cry to sleep alone..while he sleeps soundly on the other side of the room just a wall between them.as he sleeps at night who is in his thoughts.. It is his new love while her heart is breaking in silence crying in silence for the guy she loves and prays that she forgets and let go so the pain will no longer be there...

i can hear you breathing..you are so close yet so far. did you ever care?just for a second. is she the new one you   love...i wish that whoever you you are in love with i am her so that at some point in my life time you love me too...

its a sunday after the worship service. we talked and theres a sense of awkwardness ...but from the way you talk to me i can feel your are looking at me differently, you loook into my eyes and i look into your eyes. your voice so sweet that i wish you are whispering at my ears talking to my heart...but when we hanged out how come you dont seem to care. she was with us but you chose to sit beside her. you chose to be close to her...i hate it..that i love you..i hate it that i am hurt..outside i am laughing seem like i dont care but deep inside your all i care ..your all i love.

can  i live with what iffs...foreever what iffs. and maybes...can i live in this world whre you love me.

you woke me up with the sweet sound of your voice..the first word i hear everyday is i love you...and i loved you too...you cared for me so much that you never want me to get hurt,,, you never failed to make me happy with every single thing or word that you say or do.. its like the song that i listen to on the radio for people in love becomes reality.i feel like they were all sung for us. i rest in your arms like nothings gonna go wrong... i can feel your heartbeat beating for me.. and when i feel like my day is getting bad..you are just there..telling me everythings gonna be fine.. and everything will be..coz i know you are here beside me.. thank you for the arms. thank you for the love..thank you for the promise of forever...

all these years in my life i prayed for someone.a love that our Dear God prepared us with. a love i will grow old with.. a love to last forever...someone who will bring me to a stronger faith...i was soo lonely for thee  longest time..then you came...

.....i like to close my eyes and just dream this is forever..and to never wake up...

anjan ka lang sa tabi ko...just the two of us..na sana there was no other sound but the sound of love....

-----

but then i woke up to reality..and again it will continue to hurt me..in silence

 

eto na namn.umalis ka na namn ng hindi ako minasdan.. my kirot na namn sa puso ko na isipin kong malayo ka na namn. bakit tila your shutting me off. inisip mo ba ako kahit minsan..my naramdaman ka ba kahit minsan lang. bakit tila kng malapit na tayu at my pagkakataon mas maging magkalapit tila ikaw ang lumalayo..mas nasasaktan tuloy ako kc kng ibang kaibigan mo di mo ganito ituring...bakit ako...sana maramdaman ko sa mata mo o di mo man ako itxt back na u care sana nga di na lng ikaw. sana dumating na ang kaloob para sa akin para di na ako nasasaktan ng ganito..di na ako..umaasa ng what iff...dahil sa tuwing araw araw na lumilipas ay ganito..my hear is broken into pieces but i still continue to love you. nang tinanong ka ng kaibigan ko kng bakit di na lng ako...i tried to look away coz the answers might hurt me more...siguro sa susunod ill look you in the eye t find an answer para sa mga kasagutang iyan matuto na ang puso ko. sana matapos na ito..sana soon my magmahal din sa akin.

I am sad as i see you leave..i am sad i fell the silence...as i stare at your eyes..i always look away....i want to make myself believe i am over you but everytime i do...and forgetting about how i feel is like trying to remember something or someone that never existed... this past few days i was happy..sad and shocked by what i found out..bakit mo sa akin sabi mo kelangan my isang taong nakakaalam na wala na kyu ng girlfriend mo...bakit you can't seem to want to have an alone time with me...bakit sa tuwing titignan mo ako..i look away...y can't i seem to feel for a second that i am special... i accidentally saw a text message of our common friend a word of endearment "beb" and 3 letters whisch means a lot ILY....para akong sinampal...sinaktan mo na namn ako..were you both have a secret relationship..sabi ko dati mas magiging masaya pa ako kng you'll end up with another girl not your current GF..bakit ngayun nasasaktan na namn ako...hanggang kailan ko hahayaan ito... minsan naisipko...anu kaya kung may "tayo"...anu kaya kng mahal mo ako..."anu kaya kng ikaw pala ang lalaking matagal ko nang pinapanalangin sa Ama" anu kaya kung mahal mo din ako.... sana magising na ako sa matagal ko ng kahibangan...sana di ko nahayaanng masaktan ang puso ko... last night you were here...i wanted to cry myself to sleep but i cant..i knew you were so near...wall lng pagitan natin...subalit batid ko ang puso mo namn ay malayo...kausap mo ba xa?were you telling her you love her? i wish i was her..sana ako na lang..sana mahal mo na lang ako.. when we were driving to ottawa..the song "two words was playing" and i was singing with all my heart and i was singing it for you...... In a while, in a word, Every moment now returns. For a while, seen or heard, How each memory softly burns. Facing you who brings me new tomorrows, I thank God for yesterdays, How they led me to this very hour, How they led me to this place... Every touch, every smile, You have given me in care. Keep in heart, always I'll, Now be treasuring everywhere. And if life should come to just one question, Do I hold this moment true? No trace of sadness, Always with gladness... 'I DO...'  Now a song that speaks of now and ever, Beckons me to someone new, Unexpected, unexplored, unseen, Filled with promise coming through. In a while, in a word, You and I forever change, Love so clear, never blurred, Has me feeling wondrous, strange, And if life should come to just one question, Do I face each moment true? No trace of sadness, always with gladness, 'I DO...' Never with sadness... Always with gladness... 'I...DO....' And now you left my house...as you drive away...a tear fall from the corner of my eye...you left me again with my heart silently hurting..because i know your heart will never be mine.... i want to show you i care..i want to take care of you but i can't because i'm afraid if i do..i might lose you...id rather wait here and love you in silence rather than loose A FRIEND..i can bear the heartache coz i know someday i will be ok...that someday my heart will be loved too.. i might wait a lifetime.. i might wait forever... but i will be here waiting for you...